channelling anger

this post is an early draft.

you spend decades of your life learning to bottle it, suppress it, ignore it, but doing this damaging to you. the anger is still there, bouncing off your walls. it’s part of who you are. maybe it’s all you are at times. it can’t be calved out simply because of the ‘feminine’ character you’re meant to present to the world. you shouldn’t be ashamed. anger is power. it’s a well of productive, protective, motivating energy. you deserve your anger. and you need outlets.

art is am abstracted outlet. some are closer to the real thing. with the level of ownership you have of a toy for those hours/days, you may bear yourself completely.

you're safe to be yourself as you are alone with your toys, even if one of them is warm to the touch. its thoughts are either malleable or not your concern. it speaks only when you permit it. it follows directions. it’s there for you. you know you may use it how you wish, or not at all. you’re only interest in its very basic care needs are that it remains useful to you. where does it differentiate from another toy in the toybox? so why would you feel you couldn’t be yourself around your toys.

the thing that needs practice is being yourself, releasing your anger, letting yourself go with yourself. anywhere. because you don’t have the mechanisms for that. it'll take practice. something has snapped and you've begun to get it now - or maybe you’ve just realised you must have an outlet and you can.

some things to dwell on that might help well & channel the anger:

• the year's of shame and suppression. of being someone you're not.
• the toy's disobedience. even if the disobedience would be considered very minor, passable or unfair in other places, you can to treat it as equally significant as any other. all disobedience is disrespect to you.
• disappointment of any kind anywhere in your life.
• placing blame for everything on the toy. something happened at work? blame the toy. life plans didn't pan out? blame the toy. someone has been annoying you? blame the toy.
• hatred? idk
• any perceived lack of respect from the toy.
• any perceived lack of gratitude from the toy.
• the toy’s performance for others that is fed back to the Too