fucked up

ultimately, the most fucked up thing i want to experience will be being used by someone who genuinely sees me a toy, an object, not a human - while observing my limits, few as they may be for the right person - where that person is sadistic to their core, doesn’t see me as a sexual being in any sense, and treats me like absolute shit. to them, my existence and purpose is purely as a toy to fuck with, a target for them to let out their dark fantasies. being used as a fantasy. deep cruelty and unfairness. partner has no respect or sexual respect for me.
i want to experience true suffering. i want to experience genuine terror every time they turn their attention towards me, but i want to be made to feel like i’m suffocated every moment i don’t have their attention such that i’m need it, no matter the consequences.
thus, for all this, i’ll consider the question as much ‘what am i willing to do for a Top,’ as ‘what do i want’ because it wants to please.

but i think your question is what the most fucked up discrete thing.
i see that yours are mostly physical stuff. much of mine are mental as well, or the mental affects of the physical.
either way, couple of items that come to mind below. almost all of the physical stuff would be while bound.

• beaten
• pain
  • until and beyond crying, screaming, begging.
  • until and beyond bleeding.
  • abuse - punching and kicking.
  • might consider some damage some places.
  • used as punching bag.
  • with
    • cane
    • thorned bramble branch
    • electrical cable
    • heat
• merciless
• broken. physically and/or mentally.
• disregard of safe word
  • Top is in control, not me. Top reads me and decides when is enough.
  • pre-arranged, not always. or, always but only once agreed.
  • hard-limits are still observed and respected (hard-limits are only those things i truly cannot do).
    • bc this is more to do
• cock & balls
  • exploration of the idea that it is an evil and a curse.
  • any reference to it or what it can be used for or any pleasure derived from it made into a punishable taboo.
    • all sexuality
  • treated with genuine venom and anger. acknowledgment that the sheer existence of it is insulting and disgusting, and
  • reframed that it is not sexual - perhaps cocks are, but what is between mine are not - that’s not what they’re for. (i think what’s between my legs specifically had actually begun to adopt the symbolism of your negative feels about cocks).
    • it is no problem a sexual candidate. the closest thing to sexuality it gets is twisted adjacencies like being ass/throat fuckings that are agony.
  • damage may be allowed here
  • spikes.
    • forced to never think sexually itself.
  • spikes so tight and sharp that even the slightest bloodflow is agony.
  • permanent chastity. cock only sees light of day for pain. made to fear it.
  • pain
    • rubber bands
    • chilli oil
    • tiger balm
• bondage
  • long-term.
    • starved.
    • electro.
  • predicament.
  • fucked.
  • throat fucked.
  • electro.
  • gagged.
  • blindfolded.
  • drowning.
    • suspension, being dipped into water
    • water filled around it
  • bound with barbed wire
  • bound with cable ties
  • wrapped in shrink wrap/tape
  • kept in cage
  • kept in humbler
• fear
  • made to be genuinely afraid of someone.
  • breath-play
  • pain
  • denials
  • water-boarding
• pussy-free
• throat fucked until and beyond throwing up
• extreme humiliation and degradation
• given to others for the same abuse
  • overwhelmed
  • part of ‘need for Domme’ when it’s being abused by people that aren’t even her
  • given to men
  • Domme finds other people who are similarly sadistic to play with it, however that hierarchy might look.
• used as toilet.
• beaten ferociously at the smallest disobedience. any deviance at all is interpreted as a slight that must be corrected.
• food fucked with
  • starved.
  • kept on diet of pet food.

while i do say permanent damage is where the blurry line is -
if anyone really, truly took me on in such a way that clicked, the living circumstances were right, etc. whereby they had me fall in love with them + treated me badly enough, i can imagine they could push past that line without pushback.

-

additions since publication:

• living with a Top(s) and no-one else such that they have free, unfettered access and use.
• further to fear and ignoring safe words: going beyond
• bullying
• full-time spikes so that sex with others is almost not worth it
• regular sessions that keep cock in unfit condition for sex with others
• related to above two points - permissive rules around other people, while other rules make it hardly worth it / miserable if it happens
  • e.g. allowed to keep a submissive, but unable to use them sexually, and playing with them is agony.
  • perhaps even encouraged into play with others but it's always made to be dire for the toy?
• doctrine & indoctrination
• pussy-free.
  total denial of fucking, tasting, touching.
  denial of sight and smell. in real-life and virtually. even porn cannot show it.
  completely pussy-free.
  • exposure, accidental of otherwise, treated as the highest treason.
• exploration of 'worthiness' and toy's genuine unworthiness of anything.
• denial of sexuality.
  • denial of own sexuality towards women. tossed to men for use as receptacle and toy. allowed only play with women that is pain, suffering and service.
  • doctrine & indoctrination that anyone else's sexuality matters, while it has none.
  • pain, abuse, spikes, and doctrine equate the idea of toy's sexuality with intense pain instead of anything good.
• "how far would the toy go, what would it endure, what would it do"
  • for nothing / for the chance at the Top considering allowing something very little / just to impress and entertain and being useful.
  • for the chance to just earn some attention, even by doing awful things.
• high protocol: very, very tightly strict rules. no slack. no deviance acceptable. anything considered deep disobedience and insulting.
  • Nyx's exploration of anger?
• starved and made to beg to be fed foul stuff. toilet. human fluids. rotten. waste.
• toy is genuinely afraid of Top's anger.
• denial of skin contact, closeness, intimacy with Top.
• Top's bulls may be dominant with toy and use it as freely as she does.
• cruelty is not incidental but deliberate.
• electro
  - how intense could they go? can you bypass safety and push it (avoiding heart, etc.)? could it burn the skin?
  - commission someone to build.
• remote control in public
  • electro
  • mechanised ball crush
  • mechanised spikes
• bound at a party with spikes & viagra.
• cock sucking quota.
• beatings quota. if Top isn’t planning on a pain session, toy must beg others for it.
• toy is made to do things that make Top actually disgusted with it so that all they would be interested in with is more of the same. the idea of playing with it / sleeping with it / making any skin contact actually makes them feel dirty and they wouldn’t do it. extends to others as well.
• points such as disgust, value, worthiness, denial are drawn attention to and repeated. rubbed in.
• ass worship.
• ass worship of others.
• toy so denied and desperate and wound up that it genuinely just wants out of denial.
  - tease
• long-term denial of skin contact with Top.
  • any body contact must happen through fabric.
  • respect. filth.
  • would be harder for toy than you might think.
• forced play with others because Top is uninterested is more painful than you might think it is.
• Top defines toy’s attitude. she can choose for it to be eager for pain and degradation, always asking for more. ban reluctance.
  - Top can pick topics that toy must always be enthusiastic about.
  - attitude correction.
• profound respect and high protocol.
  • must treat Top with deep respect in every way.
  • banned from eye contact, or from looking at Top above ankle-height.
  • selfishness is corrected.
• full, real conditioning, brain-washing, gaslighting, etc.
  • could only be done when living together.
• bimbofication.
• immediate correction & punishment. no uncertainty. no space for doubt of power and control.
• toy must offer to put any men who use it in touch with Top so that they may give feedback. must sur score highly.
• lesbian cuckholding. cuckqueaning.
• long-term bondage. storage.
• must wear a gag at all times when in the presence of Top.
• must ask permission to speak.
• any reference to it has human, more than an object and a toy, banned.
• gas masks?
• masks and clothing to reinforce toy/object for Top. dehumanising.
• twisting of sexuality and the space of its absence through pain and degradation.
• bladder control with catheter/locking sound?
• Top has other submissives who she permits to dominate the toy.
  • would also be an additional painful distance from Top
• long-term denial of skin contact with Top.
  - any body contact must happen through fabric.
  - respect. filth.
  - would be harder for toy than you might think.
  - toy is always
• may earn very small amounts of pleasure with great effort.
  • e.g. 50 cane lashes or 10 men for one stroke.
  • Top liable remove earnings any time.
• pussy-free
  • allowed to have submissives but rules even apply here.
• toy is made weak so that Top is much stronger than it.
  • through drugs, or starvation and emaciation, or some other means.
• link between Top's sexuality and toy's;
  • is it disrespectful that toy would have classical, pleasurable sexuality - the same as its Top?
• held and choked and fingered.
• fairness is not observed. external concepts of what is and is not fair are not relevant here. any disappointment of toy's performance or obedience - regardless of whether a person could physically achieve them or not, or if the Top had even told the toy of something - is unacceptable.
  • see also the items in the channelling anger post.
• if toy thinks it wants selfish, disrespectful pleasure, it must beg for pain and degradation.
• play whilst high.
• dull-body latex. hood, blindflold, panel gag when mouth not in use. gag always underneath. no skin exposed at all. not skin contact possible. a doll with no features or reminders for the Top of any humanity.
• reference to it as a person banned. an object is an it. serves as a reminder to all of its station.
• tied into cloth/latex sack which is hung from ceiling. punching bag.
• pain is the only way to bring its Top to pleasure and she takes this as far as they want for her benefit.
• ban reluctance and hesitation.
  • all orders are carried out immediately without complaint.
  • Top never needs to repeat herself or encourage the toy to do something it doesn’t want to do. it’s disrespectful to her authority.
  • Top does punish this quickly and righteously.
• Top always on edge of anger. anything, real or not, relevant or not, can be a flash-in-the-pan. immediate, swift punishments. roy’s disobedience is a genuine, heart-felt insult to Top that will only be fixed with real consequences.
• tattoos
  • inner lip
• a hunt. perhaps the Top and some competitive friends in the remote mountains of interior Spain. she ensures the toy is genuinely frightened of what will happen if it’s caught. she can smell the fear in the air. it’s hobbled. spikes; chained ankles; electro; spikes under its heels. yet it must move as fast it as can to escape.
• Top feels genuine disgust that she never touches it, never skin contact. while it yearns for her touch. desexualised.
  - she only touches it through fabric or implements.
• 2 chopsticks held together with rubber bands bind tongue, sitting behind tongue piercings but stopped from the lips, tongue is forced out of the mouth. ring gag forces mouth wide and stops the tongue being bitten when in pain.
• kept on an entirely flavourless, monotonous diet on gruel. something like huel, when Top hasn’t added worse ingredients to a blender. no pressure from food.